It's Just A Number
Age...it's just a number, they said. It's just another year older, they said. It's another year wiser, they said. Every year my birthday has come around I've been excited to be another year older and another year wiser. But this year, as twenty-nine has arrived and thirty is knocking on the door, there is a much different feeling inside of me. It's a flood of feelings that I'm not used to and don't know how to handle. I feel nervous, scared, upset and like I've failed. I have literally been dreading turning twenty-nine for a couple of months now and still don't want to face it.
I think most of us as we are younger start to envision what our lives will be like in the future. As little girls, we play house or picture our wedding day. We set these internal deadlines and time frames of when big life things are supposed to happen; society also plays a big role in that, too [that's another story for another day!] But what happens when reality is not what you envisioned as a little girl? That's my current situation.
Little me thought I would be making much more money than I am now and that I would be in a financially comfortable situation. LOL. Little me thought I would be married at the age of twenty-six with a few kids by the age of thirty; I wanted to be a young mom/parent just like my parents were. LOL. Little me thought I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up; a dancer, a teacher, an interior designer, an architect. LOL. Little me thought I'd own a house of my own with my family creating memories to last a lifetime. LOL.
Needless to say, I am NOT at any of those places little me envisioned. If it weren't for my parents assistance, I would not be able to pay all of my bills and loans each month. I hate that I am not financially stable. A majority of my monthly income goes to rent, utilities and loans. On the plus side, two of my loans will be paid off by the fall [can I get an Amen!]. It pains me that I am not financially stable but it has lit a fire under me recently. I'm starting monthly financial spreadsheets to track my spending in various categories: rent, utilities, groceries, clothing/shoes, health/beauty products, household items, etc. I want to see what areas I can save on each month in order to pay back my parents [yup, my goal is to pay them back for every single penny] and dedicate a significant amount to my savings on a regular basis.
Married and with kids is certainly not on the calendar anytime soon given that your girl is S.I.N.G.L.E...and basically hating it. I want that special someone in my life; I want to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate [wherever they are hiding]; I want to start a family of my own [my parents also want grandkids lol]. At my age, I don't really know how to go about meeting someone. I'm not into the whole nightlife scene and prefer to be in sweats on my couch. I did online dating a few years back and actually had a great experience. Although the relationship didn't work out, we still keep in touch even to this day. But in this day and age, online dating scares me with the amount of crazy people out there.
With my work schedule and commute, I just want to get home at the end of the day. I spend my weekends relaxing, cleaning and running errands. Do I need to suck it up and start facing my "fears" of nightlife or online dating? Although I say I just want to come home at the end of the day, I want to come home to someone special. I want to cook dinner for someone or have dinner cooked for me. I want to be lazy on the weekends with someone cuddled up on the couch. I want to do all the things with that special someone. I am over with being alone.
The world of dating also is just semi exhausting. I don't want to waste time meeting someone's friends and family again if it's not going to lead to something. I don't want to play games anymore; I'm sick of the honeymoon phase and then people's true colors showing. Why can't we just be ourselves from the beginning and make the entire relationship the honeymoon period?! I'm sick of people saying I'm being too picky in what I'm looking for in a guy. I'm sorry, last time I check knowing what you want and don't want is not being picky! I have certainly dated my fair share of assholes, and a good egg here and there, so I've learned what characteristics and values I want in my soulmate.
Little me also envisioned the real world being full of smiles and happiness; a world where your dreams are reality. I love what I do for my job. I've also enjoyed the mix of business and creativity and that no two days are the same. But I always wonder if this is what I was meant to do. What about those dreams little me had? What about making an actual difference in the world? What about inspiring people daily? My interest in interior design and real estate...why does it keep popping up? Should I invest in it as a side hobby? Should I ignore it?
You're probably thinking...what a depressing, cranky way to start your twenty-ninth year! Maybe a little cranky but it's the truth. And as I've said before a couple of times, I want to be as honest and transparent with you all in hopes that what I'm feeling resonates with even just one other person. We're all human and chances are someone else is going through similar things or experiencing similar thoughts.
I think getting this all out on paper [and by paper I mean blog], is a form of personal therapy. I've opened up, I've shared my thoughts and feelings that I normally would continue to just keep inside, building up until they explode. I think now, it's time to hold myself accountable. It's time to take my life into my own hands and make it what I want. Whether it's financial stability, a soulmate or following a passion as a hobby, it's time to do me and make this life one to never forget. Cheers to making twenty-nine the best year yet, filled with endless personal growth, inspiration and opportunities!